I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Randomize
