she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
