dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
