haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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