I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Randomize
