woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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