I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
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