we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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