Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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