He is like the real live version of the state fair..
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
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