just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
