and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
