the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
do nipples grow back?
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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