im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
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