I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
The beers last night were like the tears from god
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
