She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
I did not marry a roomba.
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