I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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