You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
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