Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
