Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Randomize
