He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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