My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
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