don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
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Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
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The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
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