I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
