I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Randomize
