im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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