Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Randomize
