no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
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