His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
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