If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
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