You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
