God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Randomize
