when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
You're breaking my sexual little heart
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Randomize
