I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
