It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
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I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
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Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
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