youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
