6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Taylor Swift is so right about you.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
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Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
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Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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