I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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