I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
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