please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
