She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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