so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Randomize
