why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
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