I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
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I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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