Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Randomize
