Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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