Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
