can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
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