Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
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