New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Randomize
