I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Randomize
