Whats the glycemic index on semen?
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
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