Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
Randomize
