He disabled his match.com account in front of me
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Randomize
