Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
