I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
new low, shannon just screamed FUCK THE IRISH to a 10 year old's face then proceeded to throw a hotdog at his parents. I think its time i take her home.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Randomize
