i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
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