i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
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Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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