go do what you do best...puke behind churches
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
