I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
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I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
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I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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